Rants From the Shitter

New Blood

2006-04-09T23:11:00.000-07:00

Found a new way to torment the cat, bought a Chinchilla yesterday. If you’ve never seen one of these it looks like a cross between a squirrel and a hamster and is about the size of a soccer ball. Well these are the most random and insane creatures you can buy in a pet store, extremely fast when it wants to be and more delusional than a ferret.

Well the cat did not approve of this buy, and would probably say so if it wasn’t hiding on the ceiling fan at the moment. The chinchilla chased the cat all over the house and kept popping up in front of the cat, the dog was chasing both of them but not for sport just so he could watch the cat get spooked. Hmm it’s getting hot in here, maybe I should turn on a fan. Brb.

And their off again, all over the house. I think tonight I may lock both of them in the empty spare room, so that by morning they will be friends. What could go wrong?

Farting Cat

2005-11-30T00:39:00.000-08:00

You know how smelling salts can wake a sleeping person up quite easily? Well my cat has figured this little miracle out and has decided to wake me up every morning with his ass in front of my nose and a big juicy fart. Most of the time I can’t grab him in time because since he’s still bald there is no fur to grab onto, but sometimes I can catch a leg and swing him clear across the room.

He has paid me back for it though, the other day we had a lady over for some reason, I spent most of the time ignoring her and watching TV. Until the bald little bastard decided to grab some attention, he jumped into her lap and she was inquiring about his bald state, so I turned the TV up a bit and tried to pretend I wasn’t listening to her question, before she could get an answer out of my girlfriend the cat made his move. He turned like he was going to jump down off of her, stuck up his tail and blasted a loud juicy fart. You would have thought a massive gorilla had socked the lady square in the nose with how she jumped backwards. All she would say as she ran out the front door was “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU FEED THAT BEAST?”

I got it this time though, I had my girlfriend pin him down and I duct taped a wine cork in his ass. I figure give him a few days of no shitting and he’ll learn his lesson. Though now he walks around the house moaning and trying to bite at the tape to get it off. I think the dog is finding it humorous he keeps on dragging the cat by the neck out into the back yard and taking dumps in front of him. Then of course the cat doesn’t know what to do when the dog turns and falls asleep in the pile, looks like he wants to enjoy the humor of it but is more preoccupied with the duct tape. I swear if the cat could cry and laugh at the same time it would.

Wake Up Stupid!!!

2005-11-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

My dog fell asleep in its own pile of shit again this morning, It squatted, planted a healthy sized load right on the front lawn, then as he turned to admire it. BAM, dead asleep with his snout half buried in shit.

What am I supposed to do with a Narcoleptic Dog? Taking him for walks usually end up in me dragging him home after just a few blocks away from the house, and that also results in so much loss of fur that he looks like some toxic waste mutant with all the sores and missing hair blotched all around his head and body and paws.

How embarassing is it when you take your dog to the beach and instead of playing in the sand you find him passed out in the middle of sniffing some poor bastards ass crack. I can’t put him down, its not a life threatening or painful condition and he’s by no means old. Though he does look like he’s been through five seperate wars and was on the frontline of each.

Maybe I need to find a good taser gun. ARGH, I gotta go, the damn bald cat is now pissing on the dogs head.

Defend Yourself!

2005-08-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Midgets jumping through fire drenched hoops on the backs of giant bunnies, tonight on The Ocho!!

I'd watch it, and you know you would to....

Have you ever been Farted on by a Customer? I had this happen a Few weeks ago, Dirty Bastard was not even a Foot away from me, and it was an SBD. I soo wanted to fire one Back at him but I'm not sure if that is allowed in the workplace, though I've never heard of an Employee anywhere getting fired for Defensive Farting, aside from that I had Taco Bell for lunch and Pizza for dinner the day before so while I was fully Armed for the task I was in "Trust No Fart" territory. The last thing you wanna do is to Prairie dog it at work. You are a long way from Clean Shorts and still have a few Hours of work left, last thing you need is any accidental Anal Seepage...

By the way, if you ever Fart on your hand be sure to Immediately run to the Bathroom and wash it, that way you don't Accidentally scratch your nose or eyebrow and end up finding an Unpleasant surprise lurking for you. Some things though, you have to Experience yourself so that you will Remember never to do it again, like insulting a Llama at close range...

PSA: Creepy Night Visitors

2005-07-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a poor man with a sign begging for funds to finance his training to get revenge. He was a victim of what seems to be an epidemic as of late that the police are powerless to stop. Our neighborhoods are being infiltrated by Ninja's, deadly assasins that lurk in the shadows.

I have heard whispers from many sources around my area of people being bulllied and even beaten up or wounded by these Ninja's. This man with the sign was a real wake up call for me though, I had no idea that the problem was so dire. These lurking bastards are no longer happy with just being bullies or simply quiet hooligans. Now they are taking lives, we know the police can do nothing. The man lost his whole family, just think, that could of been YOUR family that died at the end of a metal star!

I say we should take this brave man's example and all of us go out today and start filling up your local kung fu or karate dojo's. The time is now to make a stand, that man cant do it on his own, he needs our help. We MUST take back our cities before the Ninja's get too bold, only we can stop them!!!

UNITED WE MUST STAND!!!!!!!!!!!

Territorial Pissings

2005-05-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

I shaved my cat today.

The little bastard was getting cocky and thought he'd mark his territory right on my pants leg. Fucker was laughing about it to afterwards, he aint laughing now though, Persians look hysterical when they get shaved. This bald pussy will think twice about marking his territory, I tell you what!

Just to add insult to injury im gonna go shit in his litterbox and make him watch!

Who's laughing now biotch!!!!!!!!

Pity Me Fucktards

2005-05-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

I thought I kept up mostly with music, still listened to the radio sometimes, though I always tend to go back to my good old classic rock, metal or grunge when around the computer. Then at work a few months ago I start hearing the term "EMO" from some of my younger coworkers. After a while I decide to ask what it was, huge mistake.

It appears as though there is a group of teens today that think its cool to be depressed. These little shit's pretend that their lameass poor suburban life is the worst thing in the world while mommy and daddy buy them the newest Good Charlotte CD and drop them off at the local Starbucks so they can cry on each other shoulders because they aren't loved.

What's worse is that some of the bands I remember from the mid 90's are now labeled "emo" FUCK THAT Weezer was great shit, next they'll say Guns and Roses was fucking "emo". Keep your shitty fucking labels to your shitty new bands god damnit. And where the fuck did anyone get this worthless excuse for a label out of Punk rock? It's the total opposite of punk! Punk was a FUCK THE WORLD, total fucking chaos, damn the man, I'll kick your ass if you look at me funny, type music. How do you get annoying teens that like to look sad out of THAT?????

I swear I just want to walk up to one someday and dickslap them in the forehead, leave a big fat mushroom mark right above their left eye and give them something real to cry about. Or at least maybe take a piss in their 5 dollar coffee while they are still holding it. Fucking pathetic lil punkass kids.

Pussywhipped Bitches

2004-08-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

Why do women obsess over stupid shit? For instance leaving the toilet seat up after taking a piss, they act as if we committed some horrible sin. Hell they should be happy we remembered to put it up, is it really our fault they are to fucking dumb to look at the toilet before sitting down? Seriously though, they seem to think the seat is to "dirty" for them to have to touch, well unless I'm mistaken they have to sit their ass on it as well, which makes them partially responsible for it being "dirty".

We can never win, women will always look for an excuse to rip into us. We put the toilet seat up out of consideration for them, far as were concerned we'd rather just walk in, take a piss and walk out, who the fuck cares if the lid is down to, and who needs flushing, flushing is for women, real men don't flush. But since we are all pussy whipped, we put the seat up, and when we happen to forget to put it down its like World War fucking 9, such a big deal out of something as simple as putting the seat down, a woman will call you at work and talk shit till you hang up because she can't go to the bathroom since you were a bastard and left it up, then when you get home she goes off on calling her a psychotic bitch and hanging up on her.

Can't fucking win, where did we lose it guys? When exactly did we become their whipping boys? Back in the day if a woman so much as raised her voice a guy would just tell her to shut her mouth and there would be peace for the night. They scream for equality but still want to be pampered and shit. I say fuck that, we need to make a stand here and now, we need to take our rightful place as Masters of the House, King of our Domain.

"Oliver, my father used to say that a man can never outdo a woman when it comes to love and revenge." -Gavin (War of the Roses)

The Birds have discovered Mind Games

2004-08-02T00:48:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work today and there was a U-Haul truck in the next lane and a few car lengths up from me, when suddenly a white fluffy thing about the size of a soccer ball came barreling over the roof of the truck. At first I wasn't sure what it was, then as it came to the ground next to me I noticed a bunch of feathers flying off it as it hit, and saw the shape while it was rolling next to me for a few seconds, and it was a god damn decent sized bird. I was joking about it playing Chicken with the U-Haul but didn't really think about it seriously till after work.

I was talking to my dad and mentioned the bird, then he started telling me about how last week he was driving on a two lane highway up the coast in the middle of the night and noticed something strange in the distance. At first he couldn't tell what it was due to the darkness but he could tell it was following the center double yellow line. As it got closer he asked my mom if she could see it as well, and just as he said this, they came up on the van and he could see it was two gigantic Pelicans cruising at windshield height. Just as they were about to hit the van they swooped around the side and scared the shit out of my parents, my dad looked in the side mirror and could see they hadn't deviated from the centerline and were making other cars swerve behind.

Now the first incident, which I saw earlier, could be just chalked up to bad luck for the bird. But after hearing this story it leads me to believe there is a possibility that Hitchcock may have been ahead of his time. Could the birds now be plotting against us? Did Douglas Adams guess wrong when he gave credit to the dolphins and mice as being the ones behind it all? Hopefully we don't find out too late that the birds have decided our time is up, just remember, your car is a lot stronger than the light frame of a bird. Do Not let them see your intimidated, it will only embolden them into more massive ventures next time. We must let them know here and now that this new trend of intimidation will not work on us.

"Why are they doing this? Why are they doing this? They said when you got here, the whole thing started. Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from? I think you're the cause of all this. I think you're evil! EVIL!" - Mother in Diner

Sticky Nutz and Squishy Satisfaction

2004-04-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to work today and saw a dead squirell on the middle of the freeway, normally I'd be like "aww that sucks" even though I fully believe that one car commercial is totally true, you know the one with the two squirell's high fiving each other after one made a car crash, but today I said aloud, "HAH you fucker!"

The reason for this change of heart is due to something that occurred yesterday, I was driving down the road and just came over an overpass thingy, doing about 75 or so when I see about 50 yards in front of me a squirell making a dash across into the bushes in the middle of the freeway, i was like "heh, crazy lil bastard" then as I quickly come up on the spot where he went into the brush my window suddenly gets smacked with a shitload of wet sticky stuff, now it was a bright day out, no clouds, mid day and no cars in front of me, so the only thing I can assume is that the squirell was so excited that he made it, he instantly turned around and in an exstatic orgasm of joy he JIZZED back at the freeway and the wind brought it directly to my windshield....

Normally when water hits a winshield at that speed it smacks and runs up to the top, well this stuff maybe ran up an inch before settling in, so I get to Arby's and decide that I should try to clean the windshield, so i hit the window spray thingy and it engages the wipers to, well this was a bad idea, all this did was smear it all over my windshield, though not all of it since most of each was already hardened, later on I mentioned it to my boss and the cashier and my boss said he wanted a "random" drug test done, but I'm pretty sure he was joking, this morning I tried cleaning it off at the gas station but a lot is still there.

So as you can see I was quite happy to see the little bastard squished, far as I'm concerned it was him... Cocky little bastard...

"I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away." -Randal Graves

Inbred Retarded Monkeys are better...

2004-01-20T03:02:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty fucked day...

I go to work this morning and before even getting there shit already hits the fan, I stopped at the gas station to grab some donuts for breakfast, go up to the atm machine and what do I find, no atm card in my wallet...So I head out to work, grumpy as fuck since this is my sixth day in row working and fifth day in a row on opening shift, no donuts, no money for lunch....

At first the morning isn't that bad, or maybe I was just to tired and out of it to notice early on, then after I take a cig break it starts to get shittier, I'd be helping one customer and literally 3 others would come up and interrupt wanting me to go explain what is CLEARLY written on the item descriptions... then when I don't follow them to the item they get pissed and claim to not have noticed I was already with a customer, of which they interrupted, god I hate people, one bitch even got pissed at me cause I couldn't quickly list off to her what 75% of 60 dollars was, I'm thinking to myself, "can you? fucking twat", it wasn't enough that I said I'd be with her in a min, she storms out of the store and is talking shit the whole way... Seriously, do you go into a department store and expect the employees to be math whiz's? Thats like going to Mc Donald's and asking them why the meat tastes like a shit-house rat, it just does, if we could tell you these things then we wouldn't be at these fucking jobs now would we?

Then I go on lunch, guess what, I lost my cigs, almost a full pack of cigs to, so I smoke these ultra light twigs a buddy gave me the other day, he had found them unopened and didn't want them, well beyond grumpy, borderline prick by this time, I go back in and get another barrage of retards, I swear I've worked a few retail jobs and I've never met a bigger pack of morons than the customers we get. Don't they realize how stupid they make themselves look when they claim a 200 dollar drill was under a sign that said "Five Pack of Screwdrivers for $10"?

I'm all ready to go home and relax when I get a page that my girlfriends car died, so now 3 hours after i get off work I'm finally home, and I have to go to bed in another 4 so I can get up early to take her to work and get her car towed to the shop, then go work my "illegal" 7th day in a row, Sixth opening, then god knows what....I could of gotten out of working tomorrow but I need the hours and money so I couldn't really say no...

I swear if I ever find out who or what is the cause of day's like this I will have my Loyal Army of Gay Monkeys form a train on his ass!!!

"Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter when the promise of a brave new world unfell beneath the clear blue sky?" - Pink Floyd